It’s 1 am, and I am sitting at the edge of my bed asking, pleading and holding on to the garment of Jesus Christ my Savior to help me understand many many things that seems to be beyond the understanding of this tiny mind and frail heart. I am praying that God helps me be the woman, wife and mother He wants me to be.

When I was a child I behaved differently. I laughed at anything and everything. I spoke out every single thought my heart lingered upon. I had no boundaries, no restrictions yet now that I am a woman, I need to be a wall rather than a door that could easily be opened. As the book of songs of Solomon says, “If she is a wall, we will build on her a battlement of silver; But if she is a door, we will barricade her with planks of cedar”. (Songs of Solomon 8:9). Does the Lord look at me as a wall or as a door? I need to grow into the ‘woman’ He is calling me to be and that’s not a very easy process yet it’s neither an impossible one. There is a deep sigh within our hearts and only the honest hearts would echo this same groaning, a call to press on and find that perfect place He has called us to be – a woman, a wife and a mother.

Mary was counted as a humble and gentle woman. She accepted what the Lord had granted her. Does my heart also accept everything the Lord bestows upon me? Or do I rebel in pride that I deserve something better yes better only according to my perception? Sadly I have at times done that and praise God that I have repented as well. Mary was keeping within herself all these things (sayings), weighing and pondering them in her heart. (Luke 2:19) Do I also know to preserve things in my heart or does every jitter and shake spill out every thing from my heart. Amy Carmychal has a beautiful quote that we often speak of.A cup brimful of sweetness cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, no matter how suddenly jarred.Yes that’s very true yet there also lies a secret altar between this quiet place that Mary had of her own and the spoken words that proceeds of our mouth. I hope you have one of that secret place, a secret sanctified altar. Only the words and thoughts that measures up to His worth are spoken out, some preserved, yet there are many more unspoken words and thoughts that are exhumed at the altar to be burnt to ashes. In other words, the unspoken words and thoughts that does not value to God’s worth are crucified and declared dead. I hope we all have huge piles of these ashes that were burned down thoroughly, lying near the altar of God of ‘thoughts’ that would have been hurtful, ugly, disrespectful, selfish, unloving and ungodly. For every word we speak we are judged. Let’s not fear the judgment alone yet let’s fear to hurt the heart of a Father Who is patiently awaiting to see good fruits in this tree. At times I am tempted to get discouraged to see how strong are my battles yet I have been encouraged by the Holy Spirit that I need to cheer that I am still alive and so the battle continues. There is a war right down within and as long as there’s a ‘war’ that means there is a ‘life’. Let us continue to press on and seek help.