Redefining Love within a marriage

Redefining Love within a marriage

Last night we were super-duper tired. Our hero had returned from work having donated 450 ml of his blood and he looked a little pale. We tried to keep the evening light not exerting much in games or heavy play. The children were put to sleep early and we even dimmed the lights of the bedroom soon so that Craig would fall to sleep. Yet, after a short while, we heard some whimper and a small figure popping his head through the cushions. This was Craig looking for Mummy. Trimming the narration short, I requested husband to go to sleep as he had to go to work the following day and I ended up lying down with Craig and continued my sleep on the same bed with him. We woke up the next morning by the gentle call of the other three, asking for milk to get started with our day. As usual, the pattern of a vacation day was for my husband to serve milk to the children and start the tea. I somehow glided myself down again and managed to catch a short nap. I was woken up by a gentle pat on my shoulder and a nice aroma of tea. “Sorry dear, you had to sleep alone with Craig last night”, was his caring statement. He placed his arms around my shoulder, and we gladly sipped our tea. What a lovely day!! Sounds like a pretty good marriage!

Let me share another experience a couple of weeks ago.

I was just so upset at this same man for saying something that was terribly hurtful. His actions were cold, his deeds were not very right, he was not being sensitive enough, he was not being kind enough and he was definitely not being caring enough! He was following rules that were not or at least did not seem to glorify God. Yes, it is this same very man, today I love not because of what he does or is, yet because of whom he belongs to!

In the quest for a perfect Godly marriage, I had somehow begun to think that a Godly marriage depended on two good people. If that were the case, there was no need for our loving God to chase Adam and Eve from the beautiful garden of Eden for eating the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil! Is being a good and caring husband or a kind and gentle wife all that is needed to build a Godly marriage?

A Godly marriage was something that I had sought after with utmost sincerity since the time we were married. Having walked along that path, did I end up taking the wrong pathway along the Y fork? Was I seeking love, joy and peace from my husband? Oh, I need to repent and have to retract my path and start it all over again from my ‘First Love’!!!

How did this begin? While I was sitting discouraged and disappointed by people around me, by the systems that entangle me, by silly manmade quotations designed to satisfy the lust of each one’s pride, the Lord met me once again to help me see the Truth of this affair! Know the Truth and the Truth will set you free! It was on one of the days of the VBS program being conducted by our church. While the Lord had saved me on one of the VBS meetings around the time I was a 15-year-old girl, He was mindful to use the same very thing to bring a revival in my soul and heal our marriage, thus delivering my soul from fake earthly webs that had chocked the life out of it. While one final night, lying down on the bed at our friend’s place, we began discussing many things. We began praying for our marriage and the Lord just poured out His spirit on us. In tears I began to see the pitiful plight of my soul. Where was God in our lives? If our lives depended on ourselves alone, we would have been victorious by now, yet we were actually drowning deeper and deeper into selfishness and lovelessness. Why were we so quick to judge others? Why were we not willing to empathize with those who failed? Why were we not seeing God in everything rather blaming people and systems for all ill doings! The Lord healed us that night and helped me to be able to see God – blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God (in all their circumstances).

How much ever true, kind, gentle and even good my man was, he was not able to build our marriage. I could still get upset with him for so many things – for the things he did and the things he did not do! For the person he was and the man he was not! I was wrong yes wrong from the point, the place where I had taken the wrong path along the Y junction.

The Joy of the Lord is my strength!

I do not know how many times I had knowingly and unknowingly discouraged my dear sisters, knowingly or unknowingly praising the ‘being’ of my husband. If ‘joy’ within a marriage so much so depends on the ‘being’ of a husband (for wives) and the ‘being’ of a wife (for husbands) then our God turns out to be a pretty partial God! Because He has allowed us all to be so different. He has allowed us all to go through different circumstances, have different personality and have different boundaries including financial boundaries! Then how could a lonely sincere wife find true joy at home with an abusive husband or a gentleman find true joy in his heart with a nagging rebellious wife? It is true that our walk with God builds and grows with an encouraging and Godly spouse, yet it is definitely independent of their ‘being’! What my husband does or does not do, should not steal the joy out of my life!

Now, there’s yet a last scene…..

And the day before yesterday, as was my practice to take bath just before my sleep, I had to go in and out of the door to communicate many hard things to my husband. I had to tell him the things that I felt was not right on his part, things that I wished could change at home, and things where he was having a rather casual attitude….Yes, I still had to tell him what I needed to, because he is my husband. God has united us to be one flesh. Anything that I observe brings disunity or coldness in our marriage still has to be communicated. All of this I still speak, yet not to hurt or dishonour him. I do not do this out of hate or irritation and not in a quarrelsome manner! I do not knowingly use hurtful and unloving words to communicate the Truth. I do everything out of love today. I have to, and even if I fail, I will rise up and do it the right way again.

Jesus said,” Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Rest for our souls! Let’s seek for this rest, this peace and joy. None of these has to depend on our circumstances because the ‘source’ of these beautiful fruits is Christ our Saviour!

Let’s not fail to encourage each other. Let us pursue to do so! Especially we (wives) and husbands need to earnestly seek to fulfil God’s perfect will for our lives – the true display of Christ and his church.

I would like to leave this article with a beautiful and encouraging Bible passage

Ephesians 5

21 being subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, be subject [d]to your own husbands, as [a service] to the Lord. 

23 For the husband is head of the wife, as Christ is head of the church, Himself being the Savior of the body. 

24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives should be subject to their husbands in everything [respecting both their position as protector and their responsibility to God as head of the house].

25 Husbands, love your wives [seek the highest good for her and surround her with a caring, unselfish love], just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 

26 so that He might sanctify the church, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word [of God], 

27 so that [in turn] He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy [set apart for God] and blameless. 

28 Even so husbands should and are morally obligated to love their own wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. 

29 For no one ever hated his own body, but [instead] he nourishes and protects and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 

30 because we are members (parts) of His body. 

31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined [and be faithfully devoted] to his wife, and the two shall become [e]one flesh. 

32 This mystery [of two becoming one] is great; but I am speaking with reference to [the relationship of] Christ and the church. 

33 However, each man among you [without exception] is to love his wife as his very own self [with behavior worthy of respect and esteem, always seeking the best for her with an attitude of lovingkindness], and the wife [must see to it] that she respects and delights in her husband [that she notices him and prefers him and treats him with loving concern, treasuring him, honoring him, and holding him dear].

I'm Jesse Lalhrietkim Silas. I like to write down my journey as a wife and mother of four and welcome to my blog.

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