The cup of suffering

I remember questioning God about this thought that I often struggle with.    When I am sick i tend to take it as God wants me to go through this trial to get stronger yet when others fall sick or have an ailment that takes time to heal, I am tempted to judge that it’s a punishment from God for their sins or disobedience. It was after a while I have begun to see  that there was something wrong with this theory of mine!!!

I was quite a healthy child falling sick very rarely. I always believed in eating food cooked at home, simplicity was my lifestyle. Even during our number of hospital visits during my three pregnancies we would pack our lunch from home not just that even snacks we would pack from home and have it in the car. Does that sound  spiritual yet the first shock to this self righteousness of mine came as I had GD (gestational diabetes) with my first pregnancy. I had lot of restrictions yet that was for a short duration. Then I had it again for my second pregnancy and that too for a short duration and that was pretty fine. Yet with my second pregnancy I began to develop a white dry patch at the corner of my mouth. I was not much bothered except for my video calls with my sister’s. They were concerned about it and would enquire very often if it got better. Yet pregnancy and motherhood made me forget about it. Then came my third pregnancy and this time the patch grew even more. Yet some how did not concern me. After delivery the patch looked drier and the surface area looked wider. By the end of the year I consulted a dermatologist online and that might have been the greatest mistake I had made.. Yet believing in the sovereignty of God. He allowed it. Thus, gloating in a healthy lifestyle and simplicity with respect to not using cosmetics and believing that all of these could add to one’s righteousness made me think I would never have any serious illness atleast with respect to skin !! Such an attitude for a child of God is a big No-No. Our trust shouldn’t be on our own strength.. rather in God’s grace in keeping us from harm and sickness. Always being conscious to thank God for everything He has given us – health being a gift that we cannot earn for ourselves. This I  realized only recently….! 

I can go on to describe the intensity of the eczema or now called perioral dermatitis, yet what’s most important is how the Lord strengthened me through it. 

This patch of rash was right around my mouth and I began having low esteem to go out. Everyone who saw it was asking me about it. We tried a couple of dermatologist and homeopathy and also self medication with strict diet watching a lot of you tube videos which included… Diary free, gluton free, vegan diet…. Everytime I developed a rash flare up I would go back to the food I had taken and would exclude that from my diet and within a month I had lost 3 kgs and after a few weeks I had lost nearly 5 kgs and was not sure if that was healthy. 

Did my rash heal? Not yet..!! I did enjoy a few days of healing and the flare up would come back and that would bring so much of stress upon me. People say rash comes when we stress and the funny part is rash causes more stress and that could go on an unending cycle. Not to forget, my husband has been very supportive, to him my rash has never prevented him from loving me less, his kisses has never stopped or become less loving  even though I had the rash right on my mouth. Did I pray about it.. Oh yes I did..! A few would also tell me that it could be due to some sin in my life, mostly bitterness and I asked the Lord could that be so? I don’t say we shouldn’t repent of bitterness in our lives. Yet, what I am trying to say is – Lord you know the struggles I have been battling… Even with respect to sin and would you burden me with a skin infection to make me repent as if it is on my own strength to love someone or keep away for sin.? No.. God has allowed it yet not as a penalty for sin….! I do not agree that all sicknesses are due to sin. Lord… Please heal me… AND THIS  was and has been my  cry most of the time…! Will God heal me completely.. Yes that’s my hope! Yet even if He doesn’t.. Will I stop loving Him and submit to God..? Rubbish!! He has given me two lives one earthly and one eternal. The eternal being so so precious that one cannot dare to ask Him for anything more. What good does a prolonged sickness like this bring forth? 

Am I healed today? No..! His grace has been upholding and sustaining me. We have been trying new medication. Believing the Lord is going to heal me.. The means of healing isn’t important. Can physical healing affect your emotional health.. Oh yes.. Very much.! As much we need a sound mind.. We need a healthy body. We all desire for it and can seek God’s grace to give us one…!This phase of healing does make me realize and understand the pain and suffering of the thousands of families I know who are going through some sort of a physical pain in their lives. It’s not a joke..! It’s a cup of suffering allowed by our Father which we could rightfully ask the Lord to remove yet if it were His will.. We need grace.. abundant grace to go through this phase on earth until He heals us – on Earth or definitely in eternity. 

Romans 5:3-4 Let’s not forget – moreover let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance and endurance develops maturity of character. And character produces joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation. 

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