Whooh..! This early phase of marriage and motherhood seems to be a roller coaster and a really challenging phase. Every battle and every season seems to be a fort that needs to be conquered. Many of these seems to be a very unique one being born by me yet when I seek advice and help from people I trust, I begin to realize that most of the trials I face are common to all sisters. So it’s perfectly OK to do/or not do certain things which probably the society has passed it down to us as a tradition that is not running down with love yet with legalism and customs.
These are a few things that’s Ok and we needn’t feel guilty about them as many wife’s and mother’s go through it. It’s a phase that lasts for a while and we can do something about it rather than struggle to live it.
– it might sound funny yet IT IS OK to eat when you are hungry. I remember the first time Ruth invited us to her place and I first served food for my husband and then took a plate for myself. Ruth made a comment to Mummy that I was a ‘pattivrata patni’. Yet with each pregnancy and post-partum… I would be hungry well before my husband could be available. Even when guests were at home, it would be difficult to hold the hunger so long. It was then I realized that this was something I was doing to please others. Today though I enjoy to eat along with my husband, when I am really hungry and he is caught up in a meeting, I serve for myself and sit beside him and eat. Simple as it is can be !!
– IT IS OK to hold back calls, reply to a message or politely refuse a visitor when you are not able to attend to them. Oh.. Yes I used to feel so guilty when I was unable to attend to visitors. There were times when I wept and apologized to a few families for not being able to host them at home as during the early pregnancy & post-partum I only wanted to be all by myself with my family. Having guests would make me uncomfortable to feed or even take a nap which was so needed at this phase. We do not need to feel bad about it, those who love you will understand. Even during this season after the birth of Imelda I was so overwhelmed to see Mummy tell me not to bother to call her and to just chat when I was able to. What a relief it was to me as I was able to call Mummy only once and that too by disconnecting the call 2 times. I actually wanted to apologize to her for the same yet she was so sweet in mentioning this to me and what a burden was lifted off my shoulder. Post-delivery we have so little energy to ourselves that after we have invested the little with our husband and children we simply do not have any left to give away to friends and relatives. Soon a time would come when we would get back to normalcy and then could resume calls or messages yet until that time comes, it perfectly OK to live within the boundary of time God has given you.
– IT IS OK to be a weird couple!! Yes !! are there habits that you follow that is not conventional ? Stick to it..because it is ok to be weird! Every couple is unique and tailor designed by God. We never should feel shy or be hesitant to make life a little more crunchyJ So as a couple we try to match out in the colour of the dress we wear and we have been following this for the past 4 plus years. Yes, of course when my husband skips a day’s bath-the flow is gone for that day..otherwise in most of the days – we match and it’s fun!!
– IT IS OK to be romantic! Yes, of course and even after you have children and you heard me right after three children. We have the habit to kiss each other after a prayer pre-meal and our children are so used to it that they associate Amen – to a kiss ! I was brought up seeing Mummy and Papa kiss each other on their cheeks so often and what an assurance it used to give us that they love each other so much. We too wish to keep that spark till the end J
– IT IS not OK to hide secrets with your spouse! A marriage has to be naked…! That’s where trust builds up! While we do not have to share everything to our spouse and at the same time we should never try to hide anything from them. It is like giving your husband the access to your phone. I should never get disturbed or fear when I see my phone in my husband’s hand. That’s how transparent we need to be.
– IT IS OK to guard your marriage from the little foxes! The previous generation were brought up with a slightly wrong definition of submission. Submission doesn’t mean that a wife needs to be a mute body that cannot speak or express herself. If she feels or senses something unpleasant she could confront her husband at any time. My husband is a man who stands at the foremost in terms of loyalty and his dealings with the opposite sex yet this doesn’t make me feel OK if I am not comfortable with things in his life that would actually mean our life! So during the early phase of lockdown, I noticed my husband frequently viewing the status of a female colleague. Though it made me uncomfortable I did not know how to tell it to him. I did not want to sound so cliché by confronting my husband yet I believe by then we were close enough to speak openly about anything that would have disturbed each other and so when I did confront him I explained to him how I had myself stopped my communication with all male friends I used to chat with before our marriage and that the status messages I checked – if it was a brother’s would be solely to receive some spiritual blessing. My husband was quick to understand me and refrain from such actions that were not profitable for him as a husband and particularly as a believer.
– IT IS not OK to be friendly with a married man even if it were a church brother. As wife’s we need to be so very careful. I remember during the early days of our marriage, we used to visit a family quite often. I was very close to the wife yet we would all sit together and speak a lot as a family. Somewhere after a few months, I know I am not wrong in mentioning this ..that I noticed an insecurity in the wife’s eye when I spoke to her husband! Oh – I had to repent about it !! Praise God that we slowly stopped visiting them though I frequently would chat with her. Today we do meet them now and then, yet I do not see that insecurity in the eyes of the wife anymore.
–IT IS OK to be yourself! This comes with difficulty from a person like me who is an utter people-pleaser. Yet pleasing people cannot go for a long time and very soon we realize that it is better to be ourselves than trying to be in the good books of others by being a hypocrite. It is the best to speak and behave your real you when amongst your friends and relatives especially your in laws. This way you guard yourself and your marriage by being transparent!
– IT IS OK to be fat! Yes….! God is not going to put you on trial for being chubby. Yes, it is profitable to be healthy and it’s God’s will for us to take care of our body as a temple of God yet that doesn’t mean we need to invest all our time and money in doing so. Tomorrow when God takes me home, I am not going to be remembered as a person who had a perfect shape or flawless skin, I will be remembered as a person who was transformed by the work of God in my life. My life is more important than my body. First my spirit-then my soul and finally my body- that is the order for me to follow.
– IT IS OK to sound religious!! Around the time of our marriage, I was hearing a few messages about religiosity and how I should’t get trapped into it! I am from a Pentecostal background and I was following many habits like praying and fasting vigorously. Yet, along this course I probably misunderstood those messages and turned towards a life completely away from prayer and reading God’s Word. I kind of did not want myself to be tagged as a woman who prayed and read the Bible to show off! This was used a trap by satan to make me backslide in my walk with God. Praise God that He slowly showed me how illutionized my life had begun-how self dependent I was now ! Jesse who used to seek God’s will in all matters small or big was now hesitating to even pray! God has been again showing me how He is so interested in the small matters of my life and He wants me to seek His will for the same.
I can go on like this for ever….you too could begin to seek God about many things that are actually OK to do in your life yet somehow the fear of man makes you refrain from it!! Let’s all be free man in Christ Jesus!